Ten years ago, I wrote something here. I said I no longer freaked out about turning 30. And last week, I turned 40. What an age, huh? I’m freaking out.

I was hoping that being this old would mean settling down, that all aspects of my life would fall into place. But no, this is probably the lowest point of my life, and I’m not happy.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for what God has given me. But the things I’ve been hoping would settle… it seems like God still isn’t ready to grant those, even though I’ve been praying wholeheartedly for years.

You might want to say, “But you always seem happy,” or “Didn’t you just have a birthday trip last week in Bali and Singapore?” It’s all true. But nobody wants to show what’s behind closed doors, do they?

I won’t be able to be fully honest in this post. I can’t bring myself to say every single thing in my life that I wish would just get fixed. No, I can’t. It’s all just too overwhelming. Sometimes I just want to give up… I’m lost. I feel like I’ve always been trying, but it feels useless.